I read the previous blog out loud to my partner before posting it and we talked about how I had realised I was angry and needed to work on the feeling. When I told him - he said I should write it up - so here goes...
I have never been brilliant about sorting out and naming different levels of anger. Yesterday was challenging because intially my agitation presented as though I was scared; frightened rather than angry. Fight or flight was warranted - so I chose flight and avoided the anger by sleeping and staying in bed watching films of a dubious quality on C5.
As the day progressed and my energy levels were higher I realised I was experiencing anger not fear. The tell-tale sign for me is that sleep often alleviates fear as when I waken I can usually re-frame fear. If it's anger I feel just as ill-at-ease with myself on waking as I did before I slept.
I decided to create my own visualisation. One of my greatest fears is uncontrollable anger. I have seen it in others and been the victim of it - so I tend to supress anger in myself. It was time to face this fear. I was feeling angry - the worst that could happen would be that the anger would get out of control. I am in a safe place - and surrounded by love - uncontrollable anger is the easiest of all angers to spot in another - so nothing would happen.
I visualised my heart as a huge bellows; the sort used to fan an open fire. I asked my feelings to fan the anger and see just how hot they could make it. The gentle waves of air caught and ignited my indignation but to my surprise instead of becoming a huge, surging furnice of unbearable intense heat, it caught into a small fire, contained in a grate. My anger was no more, in reality than indignation and disappointment, but a part of my emotional self had tried to persuade me I was trying to contain a volcano which is about to erupt.
Kim McMillen:
When I loved myself enough I started feeling all my feelings, not analyzing them - really feeling them. When I do, something amazing happens. Try it. You will see.
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