I can't quite work out what has got into me - but I have had another day of acute anxiety. It all seems to relate back to Friday's art therapy. I am still beating myself up for somehow failing to be what I was expecting myself to be in the session. It doesn't get more ridiculous than that?
Unable to contemplate getting up today (again) I did atleast manage to throw on a dressing gown and go through to spend time with my occupational therapist this afternoon. I felt I had achieved something - at least we met and I didn't simply notch up into panic mode and hide under the pillow.
I found, much to my surprise, that it felt OK to be with her even though I wasn't at my best - and looked much the worst for wear. I've always been proud and very reserved about people seeing me when I am feeling very under par. I feel vulnerable and fear I will scrutinised and found wanting in some way. All rather ironic when I also feel very comfortable accepting others as they are. Ultimately it isall about control and how I choose to exercise it.
Today was a first - to be seen unwashed and ill at ease in my skin - and I found as the seesion went on I relaxed, unwound, shared what was on my heart and we found things that I could look forward to. I felt affirmed just being as I am - I feel a fool not realising that I am acceptable as I am. But I don't intend to beat myself up about it - which is a distinct improvement.
Better since I had my OT session - I feel some perspective returning. No longer stewing in my own juice - rather draining off the excess moisture and returning to some sort of equilibrium.
At the moment I still seem to swing from highs to lows. The down-times often triggered by the unresolved anger I feel. I am going to work on ways to establish some firmer middle ground where I don't swing so dramtically from one extreme to another and have, within that, some safe ways of expressing my anger. Tai Chi is one thought. Painting with some tempestuous music playing is another; having a good bash on our son's drum kit; or playing my guitar through the amp' at full belt. They all appeal hugely but the other strange thing that happens when I get angry is that I implode it so quickly and thoroughly that I lose motivation rapidly. I need to read the warning signs quicker and put some sort of anger management strategy in place after each major transition - whether I think I need to or not - otherwise I will simply melt into a slushy heap of smouldering angst.
Lessons learnt today - not least that however ill I feel - it's worth taking baby steps to fight the feelings of anxiety. Just putting a dressing gown on and sitting with my OT meant I had a chance to soak up a top up in perspective and affirmation. If I had stayed in bed and refused to see her I would have missed the kick start I needed to turn things around. She is very skilled and I was moderately brave to face my dragons when I just wanted to sink into oblivion.
Kim McMillen:
When I loved myself enough I learned to ask 'who in me is feeling this way?' when I feel anxious, angry, restless or sad.
If I listen patiently I discover who needs my love.
...The child whose magical, mysterious giftedness was challeneged and not acknowledged in her childhood years, heard today that she paints beautifully and she is doing well; fighting bravely and making real progress.
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