A heady mix of anticipation and apprehension greeted me as I woke this morning. I have an OT session today which I am feeling excited about (my OT has bought a puppy). I am more than ready to engage with her as I have bounced two sessions with acute anxiety.
I am also anticipating a visit from my brother. We haven't seen each other since my mum's funeral - so it is difficult to predict how I will feel in the moment. I can't say I am hugely worried. If I get faffed, I get faffed. Families are such complex and intricate organisms at the best of times - so I'll just have to see how I go... It should be OK as we don't know each other well and my curiosity about my brother at the moment is outweighing my anxiety about just how much of a nutter I suspect he might think I am.
I am genuinely excited about the chance to get to know him. He left home when I was still young - so there is a great sense of possibility and potential - which is only tempered by the fear that like a toddler at a birthday party - I will overdo it and then repent at leisure. I hope this will not happen - but I will certainly be tired afterwards - handling other people's emotions alongside my own is taking much more effort than it has done in the past. This is because I am putting healthier strategies into play - but it is taking time to feel skilled and confident at using them. At the moment I would describe myself as an enthusiastic amateur actor 'marking' her lines. It will be a wee while before they are as second nature as sublimating my own needs used to be!
We have finalised the Easter Break for our son and although we 'offered' that he come home for a week it has been decided that a shorter stay would be best. I think, on balance, although he dislikes the transitions backwards and forwards from school, this is probably very shrewd. As he is practising his newly developing social skills - so I will be looking at more effective ways of meeting my own needs. (An assertive mother - woaw! Feel the G-force.)
I listened to Diane Reeves who was being showcased last night on Radio Five Live's jazz programme. She has a wonderful voice and I must splash out on her latest album (treat). They played a track which had a reprise which expressed the sentiment that whatever the day brought I could choose to make it a good day. I think I will learn this and have it as my signature tune!
Today is the first day I have felt like painting in months - and I may well try later as a way of changing gear. I am getting pretty good (touch wood) at distracting myself in the early stages of anxiety. I have resurrected story tapes (a big thank you to an out-of-hours CPN); found my old Gameboy and games; and requisitioned from my mum's possessions a relaxation CD. I also grab dogs - usually my own. As I move into a few minutes distraction, I seem able to realise pretty rapidly what is going on and re-frame. I use my mantras:
Fear is courage waiting to happen. Go for it.
And:
Use the fear for positive action - make something happen!
They may sound trite or as though they should be an opening line for an Australian soap but they work for me. I am getting much better at not 'wasting' my energy by feeding my own misplaced negativity. As a consequence the energy to paint; to enjoy my surroundings; to play with the dogs - is very much alive and well.
So I wonder what I will make happen today... It's rather fun - I feel like a naughty house elf.
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