Late last night I could be heard singing at the top of my voice from my bed "One more mountain to climb, one more river to cross, I've come such a long, long way and still, I've got a long way to go..." As a distraction technique it helped. I was mid anxiety attack and shooting myself down in flames as beng stupid and 'allowing' some comments on the phone our son had made to me earlier in the evening, invade my sense of well-being; really get under my skin.
I suspect it didn't occur to him we were moving into difficult areas for us both. I was chatting about Crufts, something he and I have always enjoyed hugely, and the conversation moved to our Newfoundland which we had put down at home last summer. At the time he judged me "a murderous bitch" - and I was shattered to the marrow. I was already pretty ill, but I know my partner and I spent some time explaining why this had to happen.
Before I could stop myself last nighgt, I was back into expaining, yet again, why it all happened and I could feel us both tensing. Although his words said he was very sorry that he had called me such names - he also assured me that he still felt I had murdered her. I so loved Jessie and she was such a close companion - a day does not go by when I don't wish we could have found another solution.
Jessie attacked my step-granddaughter and although it was a provoked attack, the damage to my step-granddaughter's face was huge - and Jessie had already shown she was aggressive in the months before. We spent a long time talking to Jessie's behaviour trainer and our vet - who is a very good friend - and we all had to very, very reluctantly agree that there was little else that could be done in the circumstances. She could not be trusted.
Our son tapped into the stream of guilt and disbelief still alive in me that I am responsible for all that has happened to Jess and with such devastating consequences.
I am so glad we are taking this time to grieve for Jess as a family. I know how much it must have hurt our son to say good-bye to such a loved pet - but it is hard for us all - very hard. She has left a big hole in our lives - her huge lumbering frame charging down the hall to greet you on your return home was something to see.
My partner and I have talked a lot recently about getting another Newfie. It has been tempting as good pups come up from time to time. Our discussions reached a head a few days ago funnily enough, when we decided not to get another one just yet. Maybe in the summer. I hope to get a new guide dog before too long - and although guide dogs don't count in this household as they are beautifully behaved and are not 'pets' in the strictest sense - the arrival of a new dog will mean the pack of four will take time to re-group around the young pretender.
Rainbow, my present guide dog, will also need time to grieve for his own role in my life as he sees another dog going out with me. I have learnt never to underestimate animals reactions - I am sure they grieve and need time to adjust to significant changes in their lives just as we do. So we will think again about a Newfie - after all once you have two dogs - you hardly notice the further additions! But not yet!
I'm amazed how inadvertently destructive my son's discussions were on the phone last night. He also scored an emotional 'goal' by telling me one of his school therapists had told him that "he was well-used to treating people with BPD and Zach shouldn't worry, it's probably just as well mum is given some time to centre herself..." I wanted to scream. He doesn't even know me! Help! I realised I haven't got a rhino hide back in place just yet - mine is gossamer thin. Bottoms.
The very excellent news is that I can now see the amusing side of the my son's apparent 'knock-out' blows to my psyche. I should have been much more laid back and simply said he is to think what he thinks - but not attempt to justify myself. I must have sounded as I think I probably subconsciously felt, as though I needed his approval on some level. This was neither appropriate or necessary. I learnt a great deal from this uncomfortable incident. (My new role model will be Mrs Inbetweeny.)
Firstly, that at the moment conversations with family and friends where the relationships are intricate are taxing. They should and need to happen - but - just as most of today has been taken up working through my self-imposed angst after the call last night, so, in the future I need to make sure I give time to 'recover' following an encounter which may bring up difficult issues for me.
Now I can look back on the conversation last night and see that I was a dimwit letting my son move us into areas which we both know will cause a significant tense reaction in the other. I won't let that happen again except when we both have decided what the terms of engagement are. I was left feeling very hurt by his comments. I know that I can only be hurt if I choose to be.
As a consequence much of today has been about re-framing the acute anxiety into a learning exercise. I have learnt that anxiety has to be lived through but then put firmly in it's place at the first opportunity - which in my imagination is into an enormous gherkin jar with a screw top lid - and left there.
Hurt is often my torchlight to see something that needs to be worked on - and in this episode I saw illuminated my grief at no longer being able to be a mum to our son on a day to day basis; I miss being involved and seeing the day to day transformations. I hadn't realised how much I miss not having the space and time to listen to him and share with him. I could also see in my hurt that he was challenging a decision we took which I have re-run in my heart endlessly wondering if we did the right thing in euthanasing Jess.
I did not have the guts of clarity of perception, in the moment, last night, to say this to our son this clearly. He needs to hear that may be it was the wrong decision - and that sometimes I wonder that just as much as he does. Justifying a decision doesn't make it any easier to live with. Insight can be, literally, a real pain!!!
Devoured Private Eye and The Herald today - so I feel I have also centred in the world rather than in my own thick soup of paranoid insecurity.
The joy of watching Crufts especially the frantic chaos of the flyball is enough to remind me that life is now - not then - or even tomorrow. The exhuberance and enjoyment of the moment the dogs exhibit is something to behold.
Hang on in there, You are still moving in the right direction. The fact that you are able to see though this and find the solution for yourself is a hugh step. Making difficult and painful decision in life is never easy but they have to be made and things do pan out in the wider picture. Be gentle on yourself. Our love is sent to you both. G
Posted by: Gwen | 03/10/2008 at 10:12 AM