The high spot of today was going out with my new Occupational Therapist. This has been the first, proper outing in months which hasn't been either cut short or clouded by acute anxiety. Apart from quick coffees and snatched lunches at Simpson's in Inverness with my partner before returning home and going straight to bed and taking a few days to get over it, today has been the first experience of going out which has not been confined to the category of 'absolute necessity under duress'.
Most particularly I have always been highly stressed in the hours or, on occasions, days leading up to an appointment. Hours and hours of sleep to avoid having to do the same again or deal with my feelings about the outing. In contrast, today has been by my current frame of reference - good; excellent even. I just hope I can keep up the good work - and even if I can't, I can remember what this afternoon felt like - and it has been a long time since I have had such a powerful sniff of another, possible life. I feel like Moley in Wind in the Willows.
I chose our first outing to be to Pets at Home in the retail park near where we live. I wasn't quite up to facing Borders which would probably be my more natural choice when well. I love the shop, but something about it makes me feel disorientated at the best of times. As I felt this afternoon, a large, almost empty pet shop was just about right.
We examined the rabbits, guinea pigs, chinchilla and rescued rodents for sale and re-homing and I resisted the temptation to by one. And no, that doesn't mean I bought three or four! No furries returned in the car with us - and I felt as though I had coped with the 'false' signals in the moment which were encouraging me to terminate the outing and get home.
Although I do suffer from dizziness and disassociation on these drugs - they are just side effects and when the volume of each symptom seemed to be turned up when I became a little anxious and went into the shop and couldn't find a thing, I was able to just stop, breath and regain my sense that I can change the balance of this feeling and focus on the benefits of what I was buying for the exisiting family pets rather than my own inner world which was threatening a hissy fit. A combination, I guess of relaxation and distraction.
The OT was great. She made sure she stayed close enough to be there if I needed her, but she pretty much let me get on with it. I found that very liberating and her distance helped me to risk doing more than I would normally have done. She provided a safe space and left me to explore. I knew I could ask her to provide a life jacket, raft and oxygen if need be - but - as things panned there was no need.
I feel bushed, emotionally rather than physically, but I am working through the 'snooze barrier' by blogging and dealing with mail - both huge improvements on a couple of months ago. I will then settle to some TV I suspect - I have, tragically, become hooked on Big Brother Celebrity Hijack. Brian Sewell talking like a Housemaster to the housemates for a day was inspired. He showed himself to be a good listener and a compassionate soul too. He doesn't usually come across as a person who tolerates views which contrast with his own.
Tomorrow I am painting - and then on Saturday - on the advice of a close relative - my partner and I are going out to play. No idea what we are going to do - that will be part of the fun. My partner has an idea of a trip to a gallery as he would like to see some paintings through my eyes. I would love him to start painting. We have a beautiful painting of his which he did as a boy and I suspect if he started again he would be very good - partly because he has a good eye for composition as a photographer and the fact that he is colour blind will simply make his work more interesting and ecourage the viewer to think about what he has created. He remains I think, unconvinced by this line of argument! He loves his photography. Maybe painting would be too slow.
I haven't any idea as yet regarding what we might go out and do. I am working on a one day at a time scenario - so I can contemplate possibilities while I am painting tomorrow. I am choosing between two titles for a painting - Message in a Bottle or Movement.
My neice has suggested that I try selling my paintings on e bay - which sounds a good idea if I could. She is very entrepreneurial and I will think about this when I feel better.
Now to surf for some t-shirts - I am running out of slogans!
Brilliant, it is so good to hear the "You" coming through, one day at a time is good, Have a lovely day out together. Enjoy. Much love Gwen
Posted by: Gwen | 01/18/2008 at 01:30 PM