Are the voices in my head too loud for you?

Grieving in the Moment

If Bea did need Bertie as a familiar companion as she crossed to her new level of consciousness - she has been kind enough to return him.  Simon woke me at 3.45am by placing Bertie on the bed between us.  He had suddenly appeared in an unusual place for him - on top of our chest of drawers (Teazle's territory).  He tunnelled down the bed - something he has never done before and went fast asleep.  If he went as far as the gates of glory then there is certainly bracken and small burrs near the entrance.

There is a real finality in registering a death. I am glad we weren't hurried on Friday by our own adrenalin and need to complete - or at least get on with everything.  We took the weekend gently.  We visited the Green Burial and we took time to sleep, be still and quiet.

Today has been busy.  Putting the final touches to Bea's funeral liturgy which she had written but I have changed slightly after accompanying her during her last hours; setting the date for the Funeral:

Tuesday, 11th December

at 1pm in The Sanctuary followed by a private Committal at The Crematorium with either just the priest taking the service and myself present or my brother too.

We are making lists - Bea would be proud and gradually applying ourselves to the practicalities.  We are imagining a very small gathering as so many friends are in the South of England - particularly Bea's - so the service will be informal and intimate.  We are asking those who attend to avoid black unless clergy and to wear the kinds of clothes Bea would have been used to seeing them in.  Be comfortable and be present.  We are not dressing up - apart from our son who will wear his Sea Cadet number ones if he can still get into them!

Now to eat that Lasagne that was left yesterday and try and finish the list of before and after the funeral must do's - and trust the wall-papering over my own cracks stays in place a wee while longer.

If you do decide to come to the funeral could you let us know as we will need a bigger venue if more arrive than anticipated!!!  That would be wonderful but we need a rough idea!  After the service which will include an informal Eucharist, there will be a wake - all being well at The Marriot in Inverness.  I may well not come to this as I don't want to push my luck regarding my own health, but there will be informal time later in the evening for any family and close friends to come back to the house.  I was thinking of getting out the super 8 cine film of when we were children!

It is beginning to sink in that Bea has died and that empty ache that accompanies new grief is slowly surfacing.  I am trying not to keep busy.  I need to grieve in the moment this time. 

Jane

Natural Burial Ground

We spent a significant part of the day trogging over to the Cairngorms National Park to visit the Natural Burial Ground -all biodegradeable etc...  The position has it's own beauty but the list of things you couldn't do was longer than we needed and we came to the conclusion it was a bit precious.  We were hoping for something with a little more freedom.  Plant a living wreath - choose freely a tree - but it's a bit like the Caravan Club - you can become a member - but you must follow the rules.

Reluctantly we left.

We are registering Bea's death tomorrow and seeing the funeral director.  All being well things will be clearer after that.

Further sad news is that on the day of Bea's death our cat, Bertie, went missing.  He has never gone away for any length or time.  It has rather spooked me I must admit.  Bertie was a close companion of Bea's often sitting beside her fast asleep on her office chair or watching TV together.  I just hope it was quick. We have searched and called - but he could be anywhere - dead or alive. I need to sleep. I am not coping well with Bertie as well as Bea.  Cuth(Bert) has seen me through some of the worst parts of my illness too. 

When we came home the sun was setting and a large lasagne was waiting for us in the Boot Room.  It was a wonderful surprise - thank you!!!  Sadly though another sign of Bertie's longer term disappearance as there would have been half a lasagne on our return if he was still about.  Such a shame.  He was a doll- an absolute sweetie - but not as streetwise as Teazle I suspect.