Wind Out Of My Sails

I had some sad news yesterday which affects potential community members as much as it does us as a family.  You know I thought I might have located a community base and even, wonder of wonders - a job to go with it all - offered like some magical invitation by a fairy Godmother.  Well the whole darn thing has gone pear-shaped.  Usual Scottish Episcopal Church answer to everything - money - very happy to have something for nothing or next to nothing but not if it needs to be paid for.  I went into a downward spiral not just because the vision of what could be achieved in the location and with the added extras had fired my imagination, but also because it seemed to fit in with so much of what we and other community members were seeking.

I feel as though the rug has been pulled out from under me - and I can't help wondering whether my candidness and honesty over my depression has tempered the original  highly flattering proposal.  Ignorance of how well depression in particular can be managed with appropriate interventions must be bliss.  I just feel cheated out of a chance which looked as though we could have found our home base.  Now back to the drawing board and I guess the only good thing that can be said of the whole exercise is at least I have thought more about our process and needs as community and we have once again a clean sheet of paper.

I'm angry at the moment, but I'll get over it.  Sometimes people don't understand how much power they wield in our lives and how much hope and investment we place in their own aspirations, inspirations and offers.

I have painted a very dark painting today, full of black and red - much anger - sadness and disappointment.  I've called it Broken.  A very powerful and helpful way to exorcise my own deep sadness and negativity that what I very much hoped would be, will now not be my future.

Today has been tough.  Words don't make the feeling go away and I have started beating myself up.  If I hadn't been honest or sought help for my depression, people might have thought me odd, eccentric or even a bit unreliable - but let's face it - we're mostly wrapped up in our own stuff and keeping our own heads above water - so there isn't that much space to take notice of other people to that extent.  I feel foolish for believing that people can see past the immediate and see the person.  So sad.  A dark day, but I have been heard and had a good session at the centre - and my homework, which included the painting, and Googling for Newfies (nearly causing a domestic!).   I think I'll call the new dog Bishop.

Comments

[Gwen]

I know this won't help at the moment, but I'm going to say it anyway Jane. It is THEIR not yours. If they are too ignorant to see the wider picture . Never stop believing in yourself, you have very special gifts and these WILL be used in a very positive way. All my Love G

[carolynn]

Much love and masses of hugs Jane....
I understand this as meaning what i think it means if you get what i mean!!
Hold on to your dream and the dream God has given you dark as it is at the moment.
We will hold that dream with you and for you until you are well enough to dream again for yourself.
All our love C&A
Pressie still on the way I id not realise there was a post strike planned!!