Painting continues to be a massive release and I am painting each day. I am starting an abstract later as the last couple of canvases have had more of a therapeutic theme and I need to play.
I am still feeling raw - but raw for reasons I am just beginning to get a handle on - and as my subpersonalities are returning the reasons are becoming clearer and some even look vaguely resolvable. I am also getting in touch with my anger - and have had a couple of moments in the last few days when I can't remember feeling this angry except - at about 6 - I gave my mother hell one afternoon in Marks and Spencer - over the simplest and most reasonable request involving the purchase of suitable school socks - I wanted the fancy design ones all the blonde pig-tail pretty- pretties wore. Fortunately the person who I felt angry with yesterday, took my Anglo Saxon response firmly on the chin and the conversation flowed on with even greater ease - but I was a bit like Mrs Bucket on Keeping Up Appearances; I couldn't believe I had reacted with such force. Reach for the smelling salts.
I can get very angry and fight for others but it's a very rare moment I care enough to fight for me. Another revelation and turn of the wheel of appreciation and understanding of self.
Staying with the rawness and feeling the pain, rather than analysing it or simply describing it, is very difficult. My instinct is to box it or keep it within boundaries - a safety mechanism I guess. The feeling currently isn't so much self-loathing - thank goodness - as grief. It is very child-like, utterly sad and inconsolable. Staying with that physically hurts and it's good for a lot of the time to distract myself - but sometimes I think this is just a way of avoiding making the deeper journey and I go back and just stay with the sadness. I often feel it intently when I'm out with the dogs. I wonder if I need to just go and sit in a graveyard and remember.
I had a dream last night where I found myself with a spiritual director I had some years ago - I was going to add when I was still young, naive and believing the Church could solve everything - and I have written it - so I guess that's a tick for assertiveness. Something happened in my life which had devasted me in the dream and I brought it to him for counsel. I have no recollection what the thing was, but he was sitting, large as life, in our bedroom armchair.
His advice was mannered and considered; we sat in silence for a long time.
"Stay with yourself because that is what you have been given. True uniqueness is not born out of emulation but out of acceptance and forgiveness."
M. RIP.
You are an inspired guide and a wise visitor last night. Thank you. Well done, Cloud of Witnesses. Spot on arrivals and departures.
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