Today we have as a Province consecrated our new Bishop, Mark Strange.
My prayer for him:
May you be touched with the gentle whisper of the Spirit;
Anointed to your vocation in ways that will continue to guide your giftedness and pastoral oversight.
And may you never forget you have been called because you are you - and because this is the will of God.
Every blessing to you Mark, in the name of the Creator, Redeemer and Sustainer of all.
Amen
I've thought alot about Mark and his family today and we prayed during the time of the service - holding a respectful silence for a person in transition and for all who will support and challenge - but to whom he has become our Father in God.
I wish I had felt well enough to be there, if only to reassure people that I am not just virtual.
I really knackered myself yesterday. I've been physically shaky all day and so I've been gentle with myself. Panicking a bit at the thought of making my first meal for the family tomorrow. Sounds so weird from someone who loves cooking usually - and would cook for 10 without much of a second thought. I love the whole prep' thing.
Still I think there is some progress inside somewhere - a loosening is how I would best describe it.
Painted two abstracts today - one this morning - then sleeping to West Wing - although I made it through one whole episode before I dropped off. Then another canvas this evening which came to me in my sleep. They seem to be more about what I can't say just now - like a rehearsal for having to find some words at some point to work through all the baggage.
Otherwise I have been reflecting further on my capacity to self-sabotage. My partner and I both do it - so we have decided we are going to have to work really hard on finding a list of things that we want to do for me - not us - or them. Amazing how difficult INFPs find this. Actually own it, woman, I am amazed how blank I am about what I want to do - what turns me on as a unique individual.
Agitation has been contained today by staying in the comfort zone of painting. I felt most of the day it was either that or curl up with Mungo on the bed. I felt this was more positive as a choice than just snuggling down, admitting into a muffled hat that I was hibernating for the day.
I don't know whether that's in line with the received wisdom, but it certainly feels instinctively right.
The hard part is knowing when I am 'choosing' at some deep level not to try something because it's easier to stay stuck and when I am actually needing to be gentle on myself. There is no doubt anxiety/depression is reduced by distraction - especially painting which I wish I was better at, but I enjoy so that's all that counts. But, I don't seem to have the energy/desire to go back to how things were and I want to go deeper before I spend too much time learning how to conform again. I want to discover what my expectations of myself are -and then see how and if I can negotiate this with family and friends and work colleagues.
When I feel like one of those cardboard cut-out figures - two dimensional - it's easy to grab at things that get 'strokes' just because expectations are that you will get back to your usual way of being. I know my depression is because my way of being isn't viable. I can hang the two dimensional clothes, tasks and look on the cardboard cut out Jane - but it will be as authentic as a silk flower planted in a garden. Authenticity has been the saving grace through all this. When things aren't right deep inside there is no point in pretension.
More to work through - sure - but I have found one part of the jigsaw - I have more energy to look for some of the other pieces.
With love Carolynn
Posted by: carolynn | 10/13/2007 at 10:03 PM
I'm not sure how to put into words. You know me!!!!! You are making steady gentle progress and this is such a big step. Brill.
Our love and prayers to you all.
Much love Gwen
Posted by: Gwen | 10/14/2007 at 03:55 PM