Choices - This Is My Body Broken For You

I'm in a funny place just now.  I am in the process of making my peace with a person I have learnt from, admired, respected and honoured for years.  This feels healing and positive.

It is amazing the difference a day can make.  I don't feel abandoned, judged or hurt just now by recent events - perspective is all and I dealt with my anger in the moment.  I should feel proud of that, one day I will.  One day if the person wants to see it, I will show him the painting I produced in the pain - Broken. 

After all the Diazapam Mungo inadvertently downed yesterday I have the sense he has the mother and father of a fuzzy head. He looks as though he has been hit by a truck!

In the process of doing my journal for the centre even I can see I am still a bit nuts - but I am surprised how clearly a pattern is emerging about what makes me anxious, dislocated or reduces my capacity to function at my best.  Even I can see there's quite a lot of work to be done.

I have been trying to think back to a time when I wasn't anxious and as anxiety and depression shouldn't be separated, that raises some important questions about my early behaviours and patterns.  My earliest memories are around 3 and I can remember feeling lonely but not anxious.  4, much the same - I was the clown of nursery and one of the brighter ones.  I guess it began to become a problem when I went to primary school and was quickly designated by the other children as different.  Edge of playground - pretending not to mind being alone; too frightened to go into the girls loo in case I was bullied.  The favoured place out of the sight of teachers.  Where does a 5 or 6 year old learn this from? 

Thalidomide had left me with bilateral ptosis (heavy eyelids - I could only see by leaning my head right back) deformed optic nerves, odd, slightly malformed toes - unusually small back teeth and a tiny tongue - difficult to believe that someone who is as gobby as I am when I am well has a very small tongue.  I have heard dentists shriek - mind you he was Australian - and my Italian singing teacher at Drama School held my tongue like a tiny performing eel and said "Youn must immediately go and 'ave theze side bitz cut off so you can at least move the thing a little or you vill never sing - and I need a mezzo.  Tell me, how do you speak wiv' such clarity wiv such a uselez tonger".  I had the requested check with my doctor who said "OK - if you want to be an opera singer, sure.  I thought you were training as a theatre director?"

"Mmmm" I slurred as he removed the metal from my mouth.  "Leave well alone".   That should have been my motto I reckon ever since.  Singing class was compulsory for directors to help us warm up actors more than anything.

Now I've got to get back into training for returning to being me.  I'm holding on to the idea today that I must believe there are still choices to be made by me and for me.  I am holding on...

Comments

[carolynn]

Great!
Big hugs
Well done!!
Do you get treats on this also??
The graph may still have walloping dips in it which feel like infinity and feel like they go on for infinity but that turn around is definitely up from yesterday!!
Something about trusting the process...no don't hit me (or Simon!)
Not that lamentation is a bad thing...it also needs to happen.
Something of a roller coaster ride eh.
Hold on Jane when you can and we all will hold the candle for you when you can't.
We love you, you are special and have so many God given gifts special to you.
It is very precious when we see Jane appear and know that the Jane that emerges from this dark crysalis will be an amazing re-creation of the Jane we know - a new beautiful butterfly with new colours showing formed from the pains you have been through.
That re birth will come my dear, grace and resurrection in the here and now.
I believe that and hold that belief for you until you can see it for yourself.
All my love C

[Gwen]

Amen to all the above.
Well done, Lovely to hear we are holding you all in our prayers.G