Being Who You Are is Better than Being a Cardboard Cut Out

I've just opened an e-card which has made me smile.  Really smile.  Feel Loved.  Appreciated.  I've needed a smile. I have had a really ify two days.  I slept in yesterday morning and woke from a nightmare where I was being strangled, in fact I thought I had died in the dream - I completely blacked out at the end of the dream but I woke up unable to catch my breath - I guess an anxiety attack.  I couldn't get my breath, I called my partner and the next thing I knew I had thrown up.  I was as scared as hell.

The dream had been so real.  The face I saw as I was being strangled was like a photofit - but I recognised some of the 'fits' - if you see what I mean.  It made me feel as though he was coming back for me.  I was jittery the rest of the day.  On the sofa; cocooned in a duvet.  I was shaking and kept remembering the strangulation.

At least I finished the rest of West Wing and slept.  I felt so sad for the rest of the day.  My partner interpreted the dream as I sign that I, deep down, have a huge energy and fight within me to claim life.  I am not so sure.

Today I have slept and slept.  I had a list of good intentions including going and buying some flowers to say thank you to a person who has helped me a lot, maybe even saved my life at one point.  I had also hoped to see my medical practice CPN to get the rest of the time I am with the hospital signed off.  I missed my appointment at the centre yesterday.  I am not back at square one but I am shaky.  There are some big questions entering our life decisions just now and I can't seem to get my head round them except by being very still and quiet and then the answers I get scare me.  Just how big are the changes I am prepared to make in my life - and how much have I the courage to change/transform?

I still feel founding a small religious community is in the plan and has never left, interestingly, although watching episodes of The Haven recorded at Findhorn some years ago is enough to put most people off community.

I am also nervous of making life-changing decisions when my mood swings can be hourly if not daily - and I am nervous that I have only another 7 weeks under the hospital.  Will I be well enough then?  I hope so.  I don't want any more co-dependency - I've enough to work through.

Good things today:

The sea and the sun.  I slept and slept and slept - and Mungo and Rainbow shared responsibility for when I needed a cuddle.  Even the cat took a shift.

Blue and white hat is on again, but I am determined to make my session at the hospital tomorrow.

I had a good dream this afternoon.  I arrived in the dream in a large hangar and I was welcomed with open arms by a staff who were busy unpacking and putting together flat-pack screens and desks etc...  In the centre of the hangar was a huge coach.  Apparently the reason everyone was so pleased to see me was that I was their new boss.  We had a short meeting - introductions - including some people I have worked with in the past - and then I said OK everyone is busy - what can I do to facilitate this opening this afternoon?  Could I start painting the coach - a forty-eight seater!  So I did.  Just before the opening, someone drove the coach into the playground place.  I went in and began supervising, supporting and moving from group to group.  The staff were interesting.  One was a guide dog user - with a collie.  My now dead Newfie was my guide dog and was playing with the children in the playground.  Another helper was a wheelchair user, and another was deafened.  Some had hidden disabilities.  The children were a rag, tag mix too - and the parents who had come for the grand opening.  One child appeared and flung his arms round me - about four I would guess - no clothes on - but had poured the chocolate fountain over himself.  I can remember being desperately alert to child protection and two of us covering him up and running a huge bubble bath for him.  The last smell before I woke up was the unusual mix of hot chocolate and Lavender bubble bath.

Tomorrow I take my paintings and collage in to the hospital and on we go.  I feel such a twit needing all this support and then stopping dead and getting stuck again - but at least I am staying with the sadness; the grief.

Comments

[carolynn]

Still with you.
Walking beside
Loving
Holding
Deeply humbled at sharing your journey.
With love as always
Carolynn

[Jane W-G]

C.,

Your care and support at this time is really appreciated. We are beginning to plan for our new base and by Holy Week or just after Easter we hope to have the house on the market - so that when we meet as a community group we can be advised and reach some sort of consensus about priorities. It may work if we do it a different way - but a lot will depend on B's health. Find a place to camp and caravan and have a tent oratory - and look at properties too???

How are you?
J.

[carolynn]

Painted yesterday for the first time since I came back form Holy Rood House.
Wonderful
I will share that journey with you when you are well...note the "when" ie you will be well!!
Yesterdays painting I will share with you it was called "Veriditas" as it may give you hope!!
Veriditas is something i came across at HRH and have pondered since and now painted!
By the way did you get the Hope Angel through the post?
A nomadic tent community..theres a thought!!
Love C

[Jane W-G]

C.,

I am thrilled you are painting - and using your creativity. Veridtas says it all. As you know I have always 'seen' you primarily as highly gifted at creative design orientated activities. You have an experienced and gifted 'eye'. Go for it.

I am ashamed to admit that I am too anxious at the moment to speak on the phone or even open mail - so the truth is I don't know what is here and not. I can blog and respond to e-mails but I can't read anything and I become really emotional easily. S has been working his socks off keeping us all fed, watered and providing the taxi service to the hospital - not to mention supporting Bea.

[carolynn]

Do not be ashamed of anything.....!!

It is just I promised you a pressie and it should have come as a parcel from the UK Gift Company... a Willow Tree statue figure.
I would not want you to be hoping for something and it not arrive.
Love C