I had the energy when I got home from my morning session at the psychiatric day centre to not only talk it through with my partner but also decide that I was going to begin to take some of the advice I had received at the morning session - with immediate effect. Quite a lot of the assistance and insight is around my tendency to think catastrophically - particularly in the early hours.
I need to develop some strategies to be much more proactive in handling these darkest parts of the day - in every sense. Rather like setting a goal and then dividing the outcome into a series of easy to achieve stages, I am going to try and apply a not dissimilar technique to the dreaded early hours. The goal is to return to a relaxed state and fall back to sleep.
I am often wakened suddenly with bad dreams still lingering thoughts and images. These set my mind into a paranoia-like spiral. Sometimes it's just that I've been jolted to by a dog barking at the local vixen seeing off a competitor or keeping her cubs in order. Whatever I am up and alert in a second and then sleep can elude me until 7am or 8am in the morning - and then of course I want to sleep in - seriously sleep in.
The Grand Plan - Getting Back To Sleep
Stage one: remind myself what the goal is - to relax and go back to sleep.
Stage two: sit on armchair in bedroom and make sure I am warm. Steady breathing and begin counting down from 300. It's very difficult to focus on negative visions of the world when I have to count down and breath evenly. If physical agitation continues or concentration breaks down, go and make a hot, milky drink and return to stage one and work on to stage two. A biscuit I think would probably be allowed on the grounds that I usually wake at around 3am and I believe that's the time when blood sugar levels can be low. (That's my excuse and I'm sticking too it).
Stage three: when I am relaxed enough I am to identify what it is that is distrubing me. Take last night; a huge amount of energy went into worrying about my son and how we would manage half term in a way which made it enjoyable for him. Then I wasted another, heaven knows how long, wondering why some of the folk I would have expected to have heard from haven't been in touch. I know with my head just how stigmatised mental illness is in reality but I still hope with my heart that people are better informed than they used to be. Given these 'issues' my next question will be "What can I do about this?" Well, at 4am very little - just note the problem down and recognise it is a concern. "Is there any evidence that this anxiety cause is as real or as important as you believe it is right now?" Probably yes to my first subject but no to my second.
Stage four: "Can I remember a time when I wasn't this anxious?" Can I go there and find calmness there? Relax. Breath.
Stage five: Return to bed and sleep peacefully.
Of course the other alternative would be to take the pill which is supposed to help me sleep when I wake up in the early hours - but I miss out on befriending me if I do that and I remain fearful of my own shadow. Chemicals don't resolve issues.
I achieved my main goals today. I went by taxi alone to the day centre, had a brilliant and insightful session. It helps having a CPN with a sincere understanding of faith issues even when I am struggling with them a little myself. I have come home and blogged. My treat is a new pair of trainers which will be purchased this afternoon. MY feel good activity just for me is to take my new pack leader out, Dido, the golden retriever, for some obedience work and a walk. I think this will do us both good and get the endorphins going.
My ultimate goal is that I will, all being well, have a new guide dog at some point as R (guide dog) is getting older. I am also keen to get another Newfoundland as I feel as though the heart is missing from the dog pack (the grumpiness we can do without). The energy within the pack is well-balanced at the moment - but with a possible new guide dog - who will be submissive by nature - it would make sense to even the numbers and get a submissive Newf. As the guide dog will be a boy - it may make sense to go for a boy Newf. As pack leader boys seem responsive to female leaders. All this is a long way off. First I have to get my confidence back and encourage my dogs to build their esteem too.
Dog walk this afternoon and not to sleep until bed time are the goals for the day.
Prayer for Today
Dearest One,
It's not always a question of denying you, but more often a problem of identifiy what's going on and why. Help me to see you in the smallest personal successes and moments of joy as well as in the greatest movements for justice and peace. Touch me gently and with the sensitivity of a butterfly's wing in my everyday struggle to remain faithful.
Amen.
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