23rd January 2007
Priesthood on Balance
Travelled back to the Highlands from Perth today. The train was heaving with bodies and bags - but the scenery was magnificent - a winter wonderland of swirling mists, snow and rugged crags.
Arrived home tired, but largely content. I felt the weekend had gone well. Greeted by family, dogs, cats - all of whom seem to have missed me! Jessica, our Newfoundland and senior dog - wouldn't let me out of her sight for most of the evening.
Day off yesterday. Caught up with the things I am always tempted to leave to one side - self care and sleep. Log fire and a sleeping bag on the sofa - rubbish on telly- and I was fast asleep on a grey, winter's afternoon in seconds. Bliss.
This morning - meetings. Good, productive ones. Issues raised and explored - even action decided upon - and soon to be taken. It's been a morning of Church related business. Now I no longer work as a stipendiary priest, it feels even more of a privilege to be a part of the Church's 'world' in some way. Everything I do now is by invitation - and that makes it very precious.
I am constantly discerning how to balance the different aspects of my life and the sometimes contrasting roles. This morning I was 'employed' by the Church; this afternoon I was a writer. At all times I endeavour to be a priest.
I have felt since long before I was ordained that I would be in some way changed by Ordination. I didn't think, like the old joke about the chap asking the surgeon about to do his operation - 'Will I be able to play golf after the operation doctor? ' 'Only if you could before' - that Ordination would make me 'better' or 'put right' the edgy, unresolved parts of me and my life.
I did feel I would be making a vow which would last a lifetime and that would, over time, change me. At least that has been my prayer. In theological terms we talk about an ontological change - the transformation of the essence of the person at the moment when the hands of the Bishop are laid on the candidate and the Holy Spirit is invoked. I have always likened it, crudely perhaps, to Blackpool rock. From the moment of Ordination, the inner working through of the me-ness of me would be continued through the filter/lens of priesthood. 'Me' would become 'us'. 'I' would become less important that 'we'. I have been marked by Ordination; set apart and invited to interact with the world in some specific and challenging ways. To grow into becoming a trusted pastor who tries hard to uphold the dignity and integrity of others. To continue to be an honest and faithful pilgrim - honest in my doubts and faithfully open to the spiritual journey. To try, despite being a little shy and reserved, to offer welcome and hospitality. To be a teacher - who tries to capture ideas and use them to challenge hearts and minds.
Whether I am sitting in a meeting or setting out to walk one of my dogs - I am conscious of being on the same journey - the pilgrimage of transforming me from ego-centred to soul-centred. I have the added whammie as a non-stipendiary priest of having a little more time to observe with detachment the Church - and to stand witness to the spiritual work in progress within the institution. It is exciting to see.
Remembering Kindness
Today was the funeral of a person from my childhood. I didn't ever know the person well, although my parents did. She was nevertheless a formative influence. Owning and running a local Chemist with her pharmacist husband I learnt from her what it was like to receive unconditional, consistent acts of kindness. I went into her shop early most mornings on the way into school. I was, almost always, a teenage window shopper. I was greeted with warmth and a gentle enquiry. My colds were sympathised with. I was even given some cough sweets to test once - for free! My family were often asked after and somehow I never felt I was too much trouble. That was a rare and valuable gift to a terribly shy teenager. I was made to feel wanted and valued. May her soul rest in peace. She was a most faithful servant of humanity and a person who touched me with kindness and acceptance.
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