Are the voices in my head too loud for you?

Manuscripts, decorating and life changing decisions

26th February 2007

Massive decisions hang in the air today.  We are so very worried about our son and his school.  Do we go and pick him up?  Do we watch and wait?  Last night's powerful drama (BBC 1 Recovery) starring David Tennant was a timely reminder of the implications of brain abnormality - and how easy it is to misunderstand or even demonise the person who has different mental processes.  We are deciding, but we haven't made a final decision yet.  We agree about what we don't want to happen.  We just can't yet see how to work things through fully.  Whatever.  The decision will be emotionally costly for us all.  My husband will talk to the professionals and see if between them they can reframe; discover some way through our son's difficulties; some way forward that we can have confidence in.

I have had some brilliant news from one of the publishers I sent a manuscript to a while back.  It was a sample section from a novel I have begun to work up.  The publisher was incredibly encouraging.  She was positive, even if she can't publish.  I am following up her leads - and suddenly feel hopeful about one day realising the dream of seeing a full length creative piece published.

We have been doing some of the practical preparations for a busier time later in the Spring when The Sanctuary will become more actively used.  I have been painting the cloakroom.  I am not brilliant at DIY - but I find painting and decorating quite relaxing.  My mind seems to calm and find a more relaxed rhythm when there's a wall to cover.  I love seeing a room transform - even if it is the loo (now changed from a very pale blue to burgundy).  The next job will be to take out the Utility Room units and redecorate this space.  This will tidy up an area which tends to suffer quite a lot of 'abuse' with a house full of dogs, mud and recently a leak!  I haven't tiled for years - so my next test will be to see if I can tile without resorting to some language unbecoming a Clerk in Holy Orders.

I am reading for the spirituality and children with psychiatric difficulties manuscript I am working on at present.  I'm ploughing my way through a heavy tome about Promoting Emotional Well-being.  It raises some fascinating issues about how health and social work professionals prevent mental ill health.

For fun, I am learning new songs for Lent.  Old songs - but new to me - from The Courage to Say No - created by John Bell and Graham Maule from the Iona Community.  I love them.  They speak to the realities of our life at the moment - certainly.

Watching our son struggle

22nd February 2007

One of our brood has special needs.  He is at residential school.  He hates it.  During all the years we have delighted in him and been challenged by him, I have never felt quite so helpless as I do now. 

He struggles to understand other people; to make emotional connections and empathise.  It is hard when we sense his desolation and confusion.  But we know that no matter how much we long to keep him safe and make things better for him, part of his current process is important, valuable and will, please God, help him engage, somehow, with the wider world and a greater variety of people - even if he also learns some very hard lessons about how harsh and cruel some children can be. 

It is a complex agenda when we offer love and care.  I sometimes find it hard, just as I do right now, to separate my own discomfort from my son's anxiety and an objective look at his current and future needs.

He feels he is being bullied and brutalised at his present school.  He feels isolated and counter to the prevailing say it with your fists rather than with words culture.  My husband and I are very clear that this cannot and will not continue.  Something will have to give before he surrenders and gives up on himself.

But I worry that it is our discomfort rather than his on-going anxiety which is the dominant feeling. It is incredibly hard to watch another suffer and not be able to step in and, at the very least, transform the dynamic.

We are trying to give this placement time (but we both feel this is fast running out).  We rehearse a belief that the processes of the school must be OK - it's a school for heaven's sake - it should meet standards, shouldn't it?  We are trying to understand their procedures; and hardest of all, trust their judgement in the day to day matters of his life. 

Everything in my head is screaming that we should be at the school - and scooping him up to whisk him home.  Keep him safe.  If we are not nurtured and valued for who we are we are significantly less than we could be.

We are worried that more damage will be caused than good achieved, but we are trying to trust the judgement of all the varied professionals involved.  In a sense we are experiencing a child-like helplessness. 

We know our son needs specialised educational provision - and we know such provision does not exist locally to where we live - but this is education in the school of hard knocks - literally.  We should be able to do so much better for the most vulnerable young in our society, surely?