Back after The Great Adventure. Our foster daughter was married in a moving ceremony surrounded by those who love her. It was smashing to meet our latest grandchild -a nine month old baby boy - who looks very much like our son - his Uncle. Enjoyed re-connecting with a familiar area. Went to see an old friend and spent a good day with my brother-in-law.
Several parts of my brain made new - or perhaps refreshed - old connections. I very suddenly remembered I am a priest to the core. It was a very great gift of insight given by an old friend. I realised the huge difference between grieving so deeply for not being able to exercise a priestly ministry and feeling I no longer want or believe in such ministry. My religious journey is always going to be reflected in a tension between faith in ultimate good, compassion and mercy - and a huge range of open, inconclusive, work in progress thoughts about the out-working of belief in an institutional form. I reconnected with the reason why I feel ordination is in some sense ontological - I was transformed by the experience of caring. My persepctive was altered. I need to remember that when I find it hard to accept care from others.
I returned to some old haunts. Our son wanted to drive past the Church where I had omce been Vicar. I felt a warm pang of nostalgia - but no great desire to disrupt the Ascension Day Service by going in. My son had many memories too. He felt a sense of connection with the place.
Visiting the town where I was Curate and then going to favourite day off beauty spots was a whistle stop tour of one, important past chapter. I have a strong yearning to be more active as a priest - but the spiritual soul friend in me wonders if this is more about a deep desire to belong. The friend in me says "Does it matter? The point is you have a sense of something you would like".
The real problem is my current location. The options just aren't here. Or maybe I'm not an option.
Harder the last few days. I've been taking higher doses of medication with excellent results. The last day or so - despite the increase in medication I seem to have been back in a highly agitated state. I couldn't get my head around why. Fortunately the duty CPN has done a brilliant job at reassuring me - and I am now trying a higher dose again.
I loved it when I first hit the higher dose because my two contrasting internal voices were under control and I felt I could make myself heard - and practised good self-care. It was such a shock when they returned suddenly on the way to art therapy. When they whoosh in like that I feel as though I am being knocked over and forced to comply against my will. Yesterday in bed. Today up - but I feel as though my head resembles a Greek Tragic Chorus - commentating on my every action.
Probably need to snooze for a bit.
Death of a Friend
Eyes met and in a shattered, shard of a split second
Two worlds collided, embraced and danced the almost forgotten reason for living.
Both knew this breath and glimpse of hope would be your last in the narrowest of dimensions.
In touching our spirits entwine momentarily;
You have no need
of the tired, failing body which once grew your soul
to such dizzy heights of knowledge, intuition and harmony.
In being there, I have no need for rumination simply the symbolic signing off and thanksgiving with the cross of life on your passing skin.
For you epitomise freedom to be and I sense you
reminding me in the scent of flower
and the animal shufflings in the undergrowth that all manner of things are,
in the blinking of the eternal eye,
remarkably well - all things considered
All manner of things.
Are well.
JEWG
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