Are the voices in my head too loud for you?

Betty June Wallman RIP

Betty June Wallman

12th March 1924 - 30th November 2007

RIP

Bea died at Raigmore Hospital in Inverness at 2.45pm today.  This is Jane blogging really because I have had to very, very rapidly apply elastoplast to my own needs because of Bea, my mother whose illness  suddenly became acute.  I haven't read any of my partner's previous blogs as yet suffice to say that Bea deteriorated very quickly. 

It was discovered that she had a whole new cancer unrelated to her one last year which had developed on her liver and she had secondaries in her kidneys and both lungs not to mention a blood clot on one lung.  I think we all realised how costly her operation and radiotherapy last year was when the first cancer was found.  We feel she made a conscious decision this time to hold on until a point when her Living Will could be inacted seamlessly.  It was and she died with dignity and some flourish; with periods when she was able to realise her death was approaching and we were able to share old jokes.  She passed beautifully and looked very much as she did when she was alive - snoozing - with a pretty much creaseless face - and at peace.  It was a privilege to midwife her death and I learnt a lot from her in the last 24 hours of her life.  A unique, creative, feisty feminist has entered another realm to wreak havoc, challenge and defend her principles.  Yesterday would have been her Wedding Anniversary - so her timing- as always is impeccable.

I haven't slept for 24 hours and so can't tell you how I am yet.  Mostly thrilled for her and in awe of her courage.  My partner is pretty much ditto.  We are planning 24 hours to just be and then we will begin to get our heads round the practicalities and our grief.  Until then...  Jane

Fragmented Jane

Jp:

A further day in which Jane has had to maintain a professional exterior: her interior is in a series of pieces.  As 'priest Jane' she presents seamlessly, and those who do not know her will be totally unaware of her situation - but it is at a huge personal cost - because she is not at present at all sure who "Jane" is or what the requirements of any of her various fragments might be.  There is a numbness.

Jane's intention for Saturday is to attend a Creative Writing course, to be held about eight miles outside  Inverness: this is something that she has wanted to do for a long time.  All being well (abw), it will serve to show her that she can manage to function with an as yet unknown group of people as herself, fragmented or otherwise, and not have to put on her professional persona to cope in this setting.  The course itself should be enjoyable and, we hope, enlightening.

Jp:

A very brief blog: Jane has not had a good day, mainly for family reasons, and has had to draw on her professional expertise to carry her through.

We both anticipate that she will experience  quite a setback - time will tell - but we may be pleasantly surprised!

Agitation and Contact

Jp:

A very agitated day for one known and some unclear reasons; scale 8½-9 throughout.

One excellent contact, hugely appreciated, with a senior ex-colleague.

Blustery day, which tends to upset Dido (Golden Retriever) especially, and maybe she picked up on Jane's agitation/anxiety.

Now that Nutmeg (rabbit) comes in at night and doesn't go out in the day if it is very windy/wet, there is a minor logistical problem concerning the use of the tumble drier.  Nutmeg's night quarters are situated immediately above the tumble drier - which has developed a most unpleasant squeak/shriek due to a dislocated felt belt/band which I presume acted as a bearing surface.  The washing machine remains docile and can be run without pain to the rabbit, but the t.d. is something else, and it would be cruel to subject Nutmeg to its banshee sounds, particularly as she has nowhere to escape to.  Therefore t.d. can only be used when weather is fine enough for Nutmeg to out.  (I have spoken with an engineer on the subject of repair - it seems that the whole mechanism has to be removed from the case in order to replace the felt band.)

"Move the night quarters," I hear.

On reflection, I might move the offending t.d. . . .

Thank you! 

There's more than one way to accommodate a rabbit . . . .

Jp:

Today did not start too well: we had a call fom the psychiatric unit to say that Jane's review, which was to take place next Monday, is to be postponed because her psychiatrist is sick and expected to be away for two to three weeks.  (We wish him a speedy recovery.)  This was a blow because we are both anxious to hear what there is to be said about future treatment.  Jane now found it very hard to leave the bed - she had intended to get up and paint, but the spirit was having trouble (let alone the flesh).   (I would also say how much we appreciated being told as soon as it was known that the review could not take place.)

The postie came, the dogs barked, the postie knocked - which usually means he needs a signature - so I went to the door to find that he had left a parcel, in addition to the mail.

I returned to the bedroom and announced the parcel.  At present Jane finds opening any sort of mail difficult, in case, for whatever reason, the content may upset her. 

"You open it."

Amongst other things there was a microwaveable bear which can be heated and is very comforting, now named Lydia, and a sqeezy purple stress ball in a net bag; when the ball is squeezed, parts of it protrude through the mesh, rather like pink pustules.  At one level it is revolting, at another level it is fascinating, and at a third it provides excellent physio for Jane's wrist, which she broke at the beginning of June and is still not wholly right.

The effect on Jane was such that she immediately felt empowered to get out of bed and have a shower!

She has spent the rest of the day snoozing on the sofa in the sitting room, which is an improvement on her staying in bed all day.   Tonight, Lydia is occupying her new special place.

So far, coming off the Diazepam has been less stressfull than I had anticipated: we remain optimistic.

[Note, please, that e-mails to Jane are not presently being opened.]

Free-fall

Jp:

The previous two days Jane has spent in bed.

A bit about me.  This afternoon I had the results of a check up on my memory and, incidentally, I was asked how I was coping with the home situation.  I said I thought I was ok and coping, as things were, and that it was hoped there might be some respite care on Wednesdays for me to have some space.

Whilst that was going on Jane had had a therapy session.  When we met it was quickly apparent that Jane was quite shaken.  She is to stop taking any medication and her homework - to be done as soon as she got home - was to prepare a 'Risk' sheet, in effect notes for me, to say what may happen and what I can do about it, e.g., if she is unable to speak then give her pencil and paper.  If she 'runs away', it's not me she's running from - it's herself . . .  There are 14 headings in all, the final one of which reads "Let free-fall begin!  Good Luck!"  She has chosen to write it up on the whiteboard in the kitchen.

I suspect it may be an 'interesting' period.  I hope to be able to report later that I am still able to say that I am coping . . .

Not an Easy Day

Jp:

Not easy because Jane was trying to keep within the guidance given for her consumption of Diazepam.

The intended exercise with Rainbow did not happen because of Jane's agitation levels: we walked along the river bank in Bught Park, letting Rainbow free-run, but only covered about 150 yards before we had to return and just sit in the car whilst the worst of the agitation subsided.

We were able to go to a 'known' cafe for a drink of hot chocolate and then ordered rolls for lunch but by the time they came the agitation levels had risen again and Jane was unable to eat.

As soon as we got home she went to bed and slept, quite deeply, for some five hours.

Corner Questioned

Jp:

What I hadn't realised when I wrote yesterday was that Jane had increased her Diazepam (this is allowed) so that she could maintain her concentration for reading the tutor-to-be s book.  Today, without the Diaz effect, things have returned to much where they were before.  I had not appreciated the degree or the effects that particular drug has on her.

So I don't honestly think a corner has been reached, let alone turned, as I was indicating yesterday.  Very disappointing: I have been expecting two steps forward, one back, but I'm afraid the apparent improvement was purely the effects of the drug.

Tomorrow Jane is planning to try an exercise with Rainbow (Guide Dog) in Inverness to see how she feels with him, and also how responsive he is: he hasn't done any real 'guiding' for some months.  Her intention is start from outside the centre of town and go inwards 'til she feels the need to return.  We shall see how it goes.

Picture this evening: Teazle (cat) lying on our bed with four legs in the air, eyes shut, purring, and Jane stroking his tummy.   Also present on the bed: Dido (Golden Retriever), Mungo (Collie) and me.

A Quiet Day

Jp:

Jane has been offered a place on a creative writing course through the auspices of the hospital.  One of the tutors on the course has written a book which Jane has spent the day reading so that she is as prepared as she can be; the course starts on Sat 1st.

The fact that Jane feels able to attend the course at all seems a very positive sign although, at the risk of sounding like a typical 'carer', who may not actually want the 'caree' to recover (because of loss of supposed status), I hope she doesn't try and push herself to do fresh things too quickly.

Otherwise  - all is well!

Another Corner!

It's Jp.

Something has moved, we're not quite sure what, but it is good.

The corner which Jane has come round doesn't have a definite form but it may be something to do with the fact that Rainbow, her Guide Dog, may be approaching retirement.  (He was the youngest dog to qualify, using a much more gentle approach to training, at 14 months.)  He's now eight and, although he has had a fairly gentle life, it seems that he is losing his 'edge',  possibly because he has had a gentle life, for a Guide Dog, but it means that Jane no longer has the complete confidence in him that is essential for her safety.

Jane has now had a discussion with the G.D. trainer and he is aware of Jane's various requirements of a dog, primarily that it needs to be physically large so that it can cut across her and stop her in her tracks; Rainbow is a bit on the small side for this task.  However, before one can take on a new dog you have to re-train, either at a training centre or at home.  In any event it is a goal which seems to be providing a fresh focus, which is excellent.

Overall, it has been a good day, especially since a very old family friend has found this blog and sent emails of encouragement to Jane.  She was delighted, excited and very moved.  I have been regaled with various hilarious reminiscences as a result.  Thank you!