Happy Diwali

Down day today.  Bounced my morning routine about getting up etc... anxious and feeling mentally slow.  Watched News 24 and watched all the footage of Pakistan as it happened.  I was gripped, but politically deeply concerned about what I was watching, just who is pulling whose strings?  It is in the USA's interests to have someone in power who will work with their images of terrorism.  I suspect Brown can't take Bush seriously - and there is a distancing - but that doesn't mean that many countries in the EU do not share serious economic and other opportunities.  The picture of women being slapped and man-handled by the police was horrific.  I wanted to do something to support and show solidarity - but there are some big hints in the footage that things are exceptionally well staged to favour an overthrow,  I wonder what the opposite story is?  Who has inconveniently stopped co-operating anymore with whom?

Got up and painted but the hand shaking was depressing and the wet weather has returned pain and swelling to the wrist and metacarpal I fractured earlier in the year.  The pain and lack of grip was unbelievable.  I paint with both hands and when one gets shaky I use the other.  I stopped painting when my partner and I had our break together and watched an episode of West Wing.  I don't know whether it was the accident  flashback which immediately tensed me, or the frustration of feeling I am slipping backwards again, but I was feeling like a gibbering wreck and agreed with my partner that it would be OK if I went back to bed.  I was all over the place, mean voice did the verbal equivalent of a Highland Jig in my brain and I asked if I could have a Diaz.  We agreed to wait half an hour and see if I could settle myself with a warm bed and some company.  Diaz - and sleep.  It calmed me and I slept deep and long - about three hours.  Night sleep is still not that settled - so this was bliss.  The warm embrace of relaxed muscles and no physical agitation.  It didn't take much, but I haven't taken them for a while.

The pain in my hand is providing a physical reminder and feeding this inner sense that the illness gives me of anxiety and inadequacy; that I can't trust myself to go out alone or do things by myself - let alone for myself.   The painting is the nearest I have come to releasing my anger on the world.

I'd like to think it was a no score draw today but truth to tell I lost the plot and even now as I write don't really feel anything much matters.  If the feeling gets any worse I or my partner will phone the hospital or the charity Breathing Space.  Sometimes just talking it through and being reminded it is a part of the illness is all I need.  Sometimes I need 'permission' rather more formally to alter medication for a day or two.  It's the shakes that contribute to the sense of helplessness but also I am aware just how vigilant I am.  LIstening out for my mum coughing away.  Wondering where my partner is.  Checking the dogs.  Looking for the cat or cats.

Now the weather is consistently cool and ughie at night, Nutmeg comes in doors to her night hutch.  She usually has a cuddle and a TV watch on the sofa with me before she settles for the night.  I remembered last night as we communed that she and two other rabbits were bought as I moved into a depressive episode six years ago.  Lavender and Clover have since died - but Nutmeg seems to be still going strong.  I had forgotten how much I love just sitting with her.  She is fun in a basically large rabbit sort of a way.  she knows exactly what she wants and she gets it.

Feel I am very fragile and negative so I'm off...

Happy Diwali.

Comments

[carolynn]

Much love to you all
Hang on to the good days... they are there...this is the strength of blogging...
Even if you do not re read them we can reassure you they are there....
and the good recent days are all days of progress.....you have moved on
Much love C

[gwen]

Just remember how far you have come and rejoice in that, it's ok to have a "one step back day" but the journey you have made is hugh. Hang on in there you are doing all the right things and will continue onwards and upwards. Be Gentle With Yourself. Much love G