Back Blogging - Jane Is Back

Loads to tell you but I am now back writing my own blogs again.  A huge debt of gratitude to my partner for continuing the string and exploring the experience from his own insights and experiences.  It's moments like this I remember exactly why I married him - his gentle acceptance, and inner willingness to go on exploring, reflecting and growing alongside and alone; listening to others and by gently processing a rich inner life of his own.

I am hopeful that I may have turned abother corner - and unlike a dead end in a maze - this one will have valuable consequences.  Discerning the extent to which I am capable of self-sabotaging behaviours when I am moving into another depressive episode may seem obvious to others - but I hadn't recognised and owned for myself the extent to which accepting second best for myself whilst elevating others and supporting their dreams and aspirations was, really, just a subtle form of persistent self-destruction.

I still have violent and semi-lucid dreams which mean that I wake up and think I am still in the dream.  Kittens have appeared in so many of these dreams that I think I may yet wear my partner down and get some real ones in due course.  They've appeared so often that I suspect they represent for me a freedom to roam - our cats wander and although they are discouraged from bringing too many presents into the house - they often group with the rest of the dogs in our bedroom for most of the night - so there is a part of me that has perhaps picked up on their spontaneity and capacity to just set off whenever they choose, do what they like - and return to the comfort of a warm bed when the days patrols and hunts are done.

How do I feel?

Not much feeling back yet in the deepest sense, but I am into the last four weeks of intense treatment and I think that on a good day I can see real progress.  As though I have new roots and shoots sprouting - a little out of season - but what's new?  I always seem to be a little out of kilter with the mainstream!  (Scottish understatement).

I am not taunted today - although I have felt jittery and slept a lot.  I am no longer given paintings to do as homework from the hospital - but I think this is because at some level it is another subtle way of self-sabotaging.  While we are looking at the paintings or discussing things in the present and past, I am not facing the practicalities of of making the emotional leap of believing I can have choices over how I handle my negative emotions.  I have little time to learn and practice the strategies for seeking and maintaining good mental health in the future.

My homework after one session this week will make anyone who knows me well realise the depth of the illness.  I have been unable to use the phone or speak on the phone because of my anxiety levels - through the roof - or my silent periods when I have simply cocooned and gone inwards. I made a call.  I made an appointment to see someone.  I wrote a formal letter and I should have picked up one domestic activity - I have chosen washing and ironing because I can't find a thing when my partner puts my clothes away - and with a visual impairment it saves quite a lot of frustration if I do this process.  I haven't started this yet.  A bit like Pooh and Christopher Robin, I sense it will be a while with quite a lot of working up to this and distractive teas, coffees, hot choc', honey sandwiches and sleep in between.

I found it hard to believe and still do that even these small things do help me rebuild my life.  I am troubled by very dark patches during most days - the intensity seems constant but the duration less.  Exercise on my treadmill has helped - don't get too excited - I am so hyper unfit after the accident earlier in the year that we are talking feet and inches rather than miles and marathons - but not having to worry where I am going helps.  I can just exercise. 

One of the next targets is to build my confidence about being out and about both with my partner, with others or alone.  I am meeting with the Guide Dog Trainer to talk through options in a week or so.  As I broke my left wrist and metacarpal and messed my left shoulder and knee - my guide dog has had nothing like the reinforcement in his work that he needs and my routes are very limited.  So, maybe I will experience a little of the freedom my dream kittens and actual cats enjoy. (And actual kittens if I can keep the pressure up.  Manipulation often goes with depression.)

So, the next few weeks I prepare for review and then the whole staff decide whether I am ready for discharge.  The support won't end of course, but probably I will return to my medical practice CPN and out patients I suppose.  Then I have to think about what I am going to do with the next chapter in my life.  I am, even now, not the person I was a week ago, let alone six months ago.  The stripping of masks and outer skins has been rather more radical and intense than most people would naturally experience - or need to experience - but in some areas of living, I don't think we will be the same.  I think that is good - but I would have preferred a gentle massage and exfoliate psychologically instead.

Comments

[carolynn]

Welcome back Jane dear.
As much as we love Simon also it is great to hear you.
Go gently.
With love Carolynn

[S]

Go gently, and allow the improvements to happen, rather than attempting to force them: trust th . . . S

[Gwen]

Wonderful to begining to hear the Jane we all love showing herself. well done you, yes things will be different but this can only be for the good. You have been on a extremely hard journey but have come through the other end. This will take time. Be gentle with yourself and take time to be you.All your friends are here supporting you. Go gently.
Much love Gwen

[Jane W-G]

Thanks for your wonderful support. I am glad that S has got the bug too and joined the commentary.

The painting I am working on is about the Church's manipulation of her people and clergy, resources and ethics. I am then going to try a few set pieces to see if I can find a market, as it were. None of the stuff I have painted so far I would be prepared to sell - two much an intimate part of the journey - but painting is something that seems to calm me, so why not - especially as I've been off work.

Don't get me wrong - none of these paintings could be described as a masterpiece. Quirky and distinctive would be about as far as I would be prepared to go - but I have enjoyed painting them. When the next lot come back from framing we will be seriously short of hanging space! It is odd walking down the hall and seeing a picture you have painted and remembering how you felt at the time. I'm not spooked by it any more - it feels rather like a homemade patchwork quilt with different fabrics from different times and stages carefully stitched together.

J.