Asking and Letting Go

I am much less overtly physically agitated than I was - I have moved from the numb, disassociated, muted stage of a few weeks ago to a new state.  More physically relaxed, at least some of the time.  It was a massive breakthrough to realise the extent of my own self-sabotaging techniques - and that has lifted a weight off my mind and so I have had, literally, more time and mental space to play with.

Yesterday's lack of blog was because I went into an extreme of quite frenzied, excited, enthused, creative energy and spent the whole day working.  I felt turbo driven.  No I haven't fiddled with my medication.  So tired at the end  of the day that after a good cry at West Wing, I was out like a light.  I am trying to work creatively with the idea of destructiveness; destruction.  A lot of the pain of the day's work came later as I tried to sleep on and then woke. 

I thought I had sorted where I wanted to go creatively with this challenging theme when I spotted an In Loving Memory pot for flowers to put at a grave side, reduced to clear at the local Garden Centre.

I was caught and tickled by the idea that it was reduced to clear.  I wondered how I would feel if I'd walked past a week ago and bought it full price???  I guess there will always be people who will purchase a bargain and put it in the back of the cupboard for that special moment.  It also caught me that it was brittle plastic.  It reminded me of Barbie accessories.  I thought I could smash it up and then stick it back together in an edgy, sharp way - like a spikey, odd 'installation'.  Pretentious, moi?  It spoke to me of the pain of destruction but felt as though it would relieve nothing of my personal anger and anguish as it had no direct, personal connectedness as an object from my life.  I am a green burial woman at heart.

Then I hit on taking a toy from the loft, already partially destroyed and smashing that up.  No.  That aircraft carrier was purchased with love. 

I resorted to painting and managed two canvases on Saturday - that still feel real when I look at them.  I can feel the emotion within them and through them.  I felt I painted at a deep level, not worrying what others would think.

Yesterday I hit it, if you pardon the pun.  I worked on a mosaic which used all the bits and pieces I have salvaged over the years for mosaics from crockery thrown (occasionally dropped), toys destroyed, tiles scratched, beads broken etc.. What I couldn't recycle I had long since thrown away.  (The aircraft carrier at some point I will do a peace mosaic with.)  It meant that as I created the mosaic on destruction, I could mourn and remember; the partially forgotten happenings; the hissy fits; the attempts to control or hurt.  It has taken me to a different level - phase.  Deep sadness and grief.

I can't touch me protesting about me and for me yet.  I just feel like a sad kid.  Funnily enough just like those first weeks after a death when you wake up and in those first seconds of coming to, you remember the reality; the person has died.  I wonder if a part of me has died.  Maybe I am having the space to get real and make decisions about how I want to live my life in the future.  Inevitably some part of that will have to involve re-balancing.  Whatever - some things have to go - the things that make me angry and frustrated and those that exacerbate self-sabotage; and I have to give much more time to my vocation and not just nurturing everyone else's.  I have to build the fire in my belly once again.

It feels as though there is so much to think about and my partner need to begin to talk - we both know that just like Moley in The Wind in the Willows our noses and whiskers are above ground, sniffing and twitching - and there are new possibilities to consider and chronic difficulties to re-balance.  We are both keen that I journey as deep as possible.  So loads of painting.  Time to talk and connect.  Still not answering phone - doing any work - and I have another 7 weeks work at the centre - so I have to be signed off until the New Year.  It isn't easy. 

I hate letting people down.

This afternoon I slept like a log but woke up ready to do. I think I may make a small cairn on the shore and write all the things I feel sad about and then gradually remove them again and throwing them into the sea - not to get rid of the problem - if it was that easy... But to give me a sense of the fact this can be shared and is.  I can try and sit lighter and physically throw some of the weight off my shoulders.

I am hoping if we both work together writing  stones, we can see what we need to start transforming.

I was assertive today.

I realised I wanted to spend more time at the centre.  I asked and it was given.

Maybe if I get used to saying what I need rather than facilitating everyone else's view and helping to find consensus, I will be making a start.

I am so humbled by what I am learning and have no sense why or what is next just now.  I am sure an offer will come at the right time.  Community will be a big part of my life - but I will also want to work because I enjoy the social side that goes with that.  What could you imagine me doing which doesn't involve giving out to others all the time?  I haven't a picture in my head.

I am buying a treadmill.  I am almost phobic now about walking out particularly in unfamiliar territory.  I think poor old Rainbow's concentration isn't all it was.  I've had weeks of little physical exercise.  Time to use those endorphines to release more positive energy.

Might not have all the sub-personalities back - but I am now recovering and feel I am.  Ups, downs, whatever.  I understand more about why.

Next stage is to grieve.  Sadness should be taken seriously.

Comments

[Gwen]

I continue to read with interest and admiration of the progress you are making. It makes very humbling reading. and all I can say is " Well Done You". Please never feel you, as you have put are "letting people down" Jane That is the last thing you have ever done. You are a geniune lady who is recovering from a huge battle and ALL those who have had the privalge to know you and work with you are supporting, praying and "rooting" for you. Just remember any plans that don't go as you would wish, are still in place but maybe in another form. When a flower droops and withers it forms seeds, which in turn became stronger and better flowers. Keep going, it will happen.
Much love to you all. Gwen

[Jane W-G]

G.,

Thank you so much for all your support and perseverance.

Because I was too ill really to communicate with anything with just two legs when you were up here, I didn't share about the community development project we have in mind. I am unsure where you are on this - with busy family commitments and Tom on the mend, but if you would like details - shout.

J.