I've seen my Community Psychiatric Nurse this morning. He is so good at being a calming presence and an affirming person. He reminds me without even needing to say the words that I need to hold on. I kept wanting to say thank you to him and look him in the face - but I couldn't - it was as though the link between my brain's wishes and my vocal chords was tenuous in the extreme. I can't do words out loud very well today. It was a struggle getting to the surgery and I did it by using my blue and white bobble hat as the transitional object. As long as I had that in my hands I would be able to make it. I have messed up the bobble though. My anxiety was so significant I have undone quite a lot of the strands. I now have more of a dredlocks hat than a bobble.
I hear the words I say and they sound as though they are coming from another person. I look down and observe my knees jumping up and down in fidgety agitation and I don't recognise them as mine. I know they are - but they feel detached somehow as though they are an outer casing belonging to someone else. The illness is taking it's course I guess.
So few words made today's consultation difficult and quite stressful for me. I was hoping I could muster more energy - put on a bit more of a brave face. My CPN has been intuitive, kind and practical - I wanted to show I had listened and taken note - but I don't have the energy to articulate this in words yet - my psyche is still very depleted.
Inside my head the single voice goaded me about not being able to speak and accused me of making a mountain out of a molehill and wasting the CPN's time, NHS resources and being a tragedy queen. "I should jolly well pull myself together". I tried, I really did. I realised as I sat in the waiting room and wished I could leave that I couldn't be anything other than how I am. I desperately wanted to put on my bobble hat. What's more I didn't have the energy to care very much what the voice in my head thought and I told her so. She was none too pleased and had a hissy fit. Nothing new there then.
I don't feel suicidal as such which is a huge blessing - but I would very much appreciate some relief from the constant vigilant anxiety that feels as though it can torment me - particularly at night. I am not responding that well to the Citalopram (antidepressant) and my suspicion is that I need some careful input over dosing etc... To try and give me some immediate relief from my agitation I have been prescribed with Diazopan. I don't think this is the correct spelling but I can't be faffed to go and find out what the correct spelling is. I have been given an appointment to see a Psychiatrist tomorrow with a view that I become a day patient at the Psychiatric Day Centre. I feel relieved I am not going in as an in-patient - as a volunteer chaplain when I am well at the psychiatric hospital - I know how good the care is - so I have no worries professionally or personally - a lot of chaplains and psychologists get involved in mental health because they have personal experience of various illnesses associated with the area. I think the in-patient facilities here are excellent. But I have been worried that I would have to leave the dogs which I know as I write sounds a bit daft - but I find them such an inspiration just now and a great source of calming energy and unconditional support. All they want is a slice of the bed, to be groomed, played with and loved. In return they do not need words - just the occasional cuddle, kiss and love (a bit like my partner really). They are brilliant and they are keeping me hopeful at a instinctive level. They seem to intuit my need of them.
Now to rest.
A prayer I am calling
Yours Faithfully
Dear God of Darkness,
Into the torment, send courage.
Into the anguish, send perspective.
Into the blankness, send a tiny symbol of hope.
Into the agitation, send creativity.
Into the nightmares, send relief.
Into the fear, send pragmatism.
Into me,
Send what I need to be as you would have me be.
Yours faithfully.
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