I am recalling the teaching of Jesus when he invites the enquirer to remove the plank from his own eye. I feel I am excavating elements of mine as I take my self-care seriously once more. I must have been nuts. I have worked six weeks on the trot with no day off. Firstly getting loads of things done before our son returned home for the summer and then - a summer of a mixed diet of retreatants and friends coming to stay. I probably invested far too much emotional energy in the visits of friends which I anticipated would be feeding and refreshing - and in many ways they were - but they still retained many of the facets of the hospitality we award to strangers and pilgrims. To treat someone as Christ with us means exercising the gentlest and most affirming of hospitality. I loved doing this, but I was bonkers not acknowledging that I needed more space for me. I thought I could defer my own emotional needs - I would be giving a retreatant a gentle nudge to re-frame if I heard them utter such a misguided intention. Indeed I was truly brought to my knees (metaphorically) when I reflected that the words I said to another recently are exactly what I need to hear myself. Paraphrased: being taken seriously begins by taking myself and my needs seriously. I need time to be fully me - and much of what is fully me is exercised in silence and alone. It's a pain because, like many I would love to conform and just be friendly and people-focused 24/7 but the reality is I need the space for the creative pulse that makes me, me to throb and produce the work which feeds the more extrovert presentation of myself. When I dismiss the inner need for this space I am very quickly diminished and time, which would normally be a pleasure in the service of othere becomes a little harder. The balance; the nuanced subtlety of a life lived with open hands, enquiring mind and heart is reduced.
So prayer this morning focused on silence and simplicity. Instead of ploughing into the inevitable tasks that need to be completed I pick up my escape of the moment - a brilliantly simply written but crafted with little less than genius - Jilly Cooper and had two cups of tea and marmite toast delivered courtesy of the W-G room service!
The novel takes me straight back to supply teaching in a school in Putney! Wicked is a smashing fantasy romp - very amusing especially for ex-teachers!
So the day now has a different colour, texture and hue. I feel fully present - but I am not going to assume too much. I need to in-fill and rebalance - and not assume the equivalent of an emergency spiritual and emotional elastoplast is enough. I am relieved I am feeling better, but anxiety is there.
Today is therefore mine. I am claiming it.
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