My world continues to revolve around visits from friends and family - and retreatants staying. I am grasping practically and spiritually that there is no real distinction here - and that the process of being present and offering hospitality, service and companionship is pretty much the same - whatever the reason for the visit. I have been amazed by the diversity of experience, personality and temperament that have been sitting at our kitchen table in recent weeks. It has been a joy to behold - but also a testing time. Not in the sense that some of the individuals would try even the patience of a saint! If that were my honest analysis anyone with even half a brain would tell me that says much more about my tolerance levels and prejudices that it does about the integrity of my visitors! No the testing part has been continuing to develop ways of being present with people which are real, honest, loving and also utterly true to them and me. I can only liken it to the rhythm of prayer. The more stable and conscientiously the daily ritual of worship is honoured, the more essential it becomes as a replenishing resource for the psyche. It becomes like cleaning your teeth or having a shower. So it feels there's a rhythm to making folk feel welcome and at home whilst also not so debasing my own identity, needs and wants that I become virtually invisible in the process or unknowable because there isn't much of me left.
I suspect that this awareness that we need to pace ourselves and retain something of the uniqueness of our own being in reserve sometimes makes us rather dull company for some folk - as I listen to busy lives re-told and hear about future hopes and aspirations - but I love what we are able to do here. Even the busiest visitors seem, after a few days, to succomb to the place - all we need to do is care - God, the natural beauty of the place and a willingness to slow down do the rest.
Our world is a tiny one compared with many though - and we love it like this. We have time to be imaginative - in my case to write; time to sit and listen; time to think huge unimaginable dreams and time to be there for others in need.
It feels very holy and precious work - but dull to an observer because so very little can ever be talked about.
We don't seem to need many of the things others thrive on and sometimes I question which reality is better - to meet society's expectations or to be to some degree counter-cultural. Maybe this is simply and extrovert verses introvert thing. Not much to do with personal taste - more a matter of temperament.
I think, over time. we have so simplified our living in many respects that we are no longer 'turned on' by many of the rather more conventional aspirations society encourages us to have. Maybe we are just eccentrics - but we seem to value authenticity in relationship over politeness and friendliness; we love people who care passionately about something - and seem to struggle with folk who think it's always someone else's problem or fault - and we delight in being rather than lots of doing. That means we are not very aspirational in a conventional sense because we have both seen how much power corrupts the intellect, integrity and spiritual rootedness of individuals. We see ourselves as Barnabas'.
I found again a wonderful reading this morning:
I will begin to ask questions. I hope that curiosity will be a propelling force during this time. if our religion is to be alive in our lives it must be a matter of both comfort and discomfort. I must go on asking questions. Rilke made the connection between loving the question and living into them, and it is important to return again to this familiar passage for it is very apposite at the start of this time:
I want to beg you as much as I can ... to be patient towards all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves ... Do not now seek answers which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then, gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into answer.
De Waal, Esther, Lost in Wonder (2003) Norwich: Canterbury Press pge 32.
Make it so - to quote a well known star ship captain.
Maybe I am just a nerd after all.
Comments