I feel as though Jane has gone 'walkabout' and left a tiny (I refuse to say essence of her being behind because the present 'me' isn't an essence more of a by-product) in charge. What's left is happy to spend most of the day reading Jilly Cooper and watching Big Brother. My family and friends will dine out on this! I don't want to meet new people (rudely I left my partner to field maternal grandparent and partner collecting grandchildren). I want to spend time silent - just doing nothing. Looking into space feels good. I'd love to say sitting with my own thoughts but there aren't many, so I sit anyway and haven't much sense where my mind wanders to. I expect it hibernates like my computer. Getting up is now the big task of the day and I dither quite a lot if I am distracted. I had to walk back to the bathroom once to clean my teeth and again to brush my hair and then again to find my watch.
I fell over in the hall yesterday because I didn't see the dog. No harm done - but the little voice inside keeps telling me I'm stupid. I'm distracted.
My mum's district nurse reduced me to snuffles by being wonderfully concerned and caring as she left after her visit. She hugged me. That was enough. Kindness reduces the 'critical hedgehog' to a tiny little curled up blubbing ball.
I told my GP that I thought Jane was "dead in the water". I just can't locate her just now and it's making me anxious. She has signed me off for two months. Serious.
My anxiety can be used. I am trying to think about what's going on inside and it is very helpful writing this. I can't be too analytical. I can recognise how empty I feel and numb. Dislocated from the me-ness of me.
I have been singing the Taize chant "Bless the Lord my soul and bless God's holy name, bless the Lord my soul, who leads me into life". I am sure I have butchered the words but haven't the energy to go and find a hymn book and check.
Prayer is simple just now. The silence is very nearly complete as the voices and distractions that usually fill my head and need to be quietened and appeased are all but exhausted, numb or absent.
Into the Silence
Into the silence comes uninvited
the assurance that there is
something to be gained from the suffering darkness.
Listen my beloved
for I too can only whisper;
those who have known the depths
carry the mark of stigmatism.
They have wrestled with the stranger
limping on into unimagined creative insightings and meanderings.
Their gift is in their willingness
to suspend their neediness
and risk engaging with the parts of themselves
and of me that cause them such pain.
Be patient Beloved
I am faithful as the love that transforms and heals.
Wrestle on Loved,
You do not fight in vein.
Thanks be to God.
JEWG
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