Thursday 29th March 2007
Frantically busy period both personally and professionally. It's hard to know where to start a more reflective process.
Personally, I have reached some milestones. Little and Large.
Recently I've been invited to explore possible new directions vocationally. Over the years invitations have formed a really important part of my own discernment process - so I take invitations as seriously as I can - and try to hear the generous and good intentions behind the person or people doing the inviting. I find it hard to hear compliments and easy to hear criticism - so the hardest part is hearing that others rate me and believe in me. I am the sort of person who tends to hear a compliment and then turn round to see who they are really addressing and I am not always being self-depricating - I don't find it easy to own my power and best-self! I sometimes think I am pretty useless at most things. It's always a bit of a shock to me - when I see that in reality I am not. I guess we all struggle on with this at some significant level.
I have spent some time in recent weeks preparing for Holy Week. We are following the theme - Being as God would have us be. The Stations of the Cross and meditations that accompany them seemed to create themselves - and went off for framing. I am bursting to see the finished product - but the guy who runs the frame shop didn't deliver the finished product ths afternoon so I remain in eager anticipation.
We have guests in at The Sanctuary next week and so Holy Week will be shared. This is a great privilege and blessing - and we have all sorts of activities planned from a Temperament Indicator workshop through to a showing of the film Jesus of Montreal to shared reflections and the creation of our Easter Garden. There are always a thousand things to get ready for a house party - but somehow it all feels worth it.
I'm also excited that our son will be home for the Easter holidays tomorrow. I am attempting to curb of natural exhuberence and trying not to think up too many fun things to do. Given half a chance our son would probably settle down with his computer games, a steady supply of food and drink - and rarely see the lght of day! Great to have down time - but we also try and have some up time - the chance to re-connect.
As it turned out the vocational invitation was just that - and the possibilities that would have been interesting to explore just didn't materialise. I guess as this dawned there was a period when I felt quite hurt and rejected - on the level with a child who hears there's a big birthday party being held by someone she thinks of as a friend and gradually realises that she isn't going to be invited. This image worked for me. I had to smile - the little child in me was a tiny bit slighted - but I think the grown-up was relieved, and disappointed too, but mostly content - at a much deeper level than I had anticipated or acknowledged. One of the people I have shared the possible change of drection with described me as beng a bit Zen-like about the possibility - and that was true. The things that attracted me to the opportunity were that I would enjoy doing more of the things I enjoy and care passionately about now. There's a clue there about the nature of calling. Ironically I don't think it was the change of direction that was attracting me so much as the chance to root; in community as well as in place.
I love where we have settled. It's the sort of place that gets under your skin and settles your spirit. I love the idea of expressing belonging as service withing the community.
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