6th March 2007
One of those days today when I just don't seem to have got done a quarter of what I set out to do. I should be at the Gifford lecture in Aberdeen, but I am stuck in Inverness. Entirely my own fault, I ran out of energy - and decided to cut my losses and not trog over to hear Stephen Pattison speak.
My fault I ran out of energy? Actually that's not quite true. I've had loads on in the last couple of weeks - and today it caught up with me before I had a chance to catch up with it and sooth my inner fevered brow, as it were. I simply ran out of steam at 16:00 or thereabouts and coasted into the siding of a dog covered bed and Radio 4 burbling in the background. I woke up an hour or so later. Dogs barking. Food!
I like Stephen Pattison as a Practical Theologian. I find him interesting and his approaches often challenging. I was personally very engaged by his book - Shame. I am sad I haven't had the space to connect.
I hate it when this happens - I feel I am less than I want to be. I have to stop myself rubbing salt into the wound made by my beating up of my psyche. I think it must be wonderful to be the sort of person who isn't haunted by their mistakes! I long to be able, sometimes, to turn off my reflective self - and yet I know if I ever did - I would feel as though I was incomplete.
I am blogging tonight as a means of regaining perspective. True, I haven't achieved some of the key things I wanted to do - popping in to clergy chapter at the Cathedral and going to the Gifford lecture - but I have done other things which in their own way were of considerable significance. I claimed the space I needed which just now feels right and good.
Humph. No it does ... really. Put the emotional beating up tools down and walk away from your psyche - Jane.
My feelings of dissatisfaction with myself are useful. They sometimes need to be shut down when they become self-indulgent or counter-productive, but in this case they have been valuable. I am grappling at the moment with the part that fear plays in my life; in everyone's lives.
It has come up for me personally in the decision-making around what to do for the best in supporting our son. It has come up professionally in my academic research as I explore the part fear plays in our religious choices and projections. It is coming up vocationally and relationally.
I remember many years ago conducting the funeral of a young biker in Ipswich. Sadly I hadn't known the person before his death in a road traffic accident, but I did get to know his parents pretty well in the weeks and months that followed the service. The young man was laid to rest in his favourite t-shirt. On the front it read "FEAR is a four letter word".
I slept this afternoon - out for the count - and when I woke up - the thought in my mind; the address I gave at his funeral was that LIFE is a four letter word too.
There's a lot flying around just now and the fearful side of my nature is inclined to grab at the gossamer-like anxious thoughts as they waft past and try to do the intellectual and emotional equivalent of containing them. As easy as collecting feathers during a pillow fight! My mature self remembers and rehearses how little I need to control in reality - especially those things beyond my personal influence.
Our appointment with our son's psychiatrist and psychiatric nurse this morning is a case in point. We were given a professional and timely reminder that some things we cannot influence or control. Our son's schooling may, at some levels, be one of these things. Others have to assess what can and cannot happen for him - just as I - in other contexts have to exercise professional expertise and insight when I assess and make recommendations. It was painful to hear. The urge to protect a vulnerable pre-teen from further pain and anxiety is powerful. The urge to protect ourselves too - is a fundamental and real motivator.
But control is only useful when it brings about life-enhancing decisions. In the case of my son's schooling the most life-enhancing choice is to explore possibilities that are presented with open hands, hearts and heads switched to information gathering rather than analytical overload!
The same is true in matters of spirituality. Fear is a basic human response, but if it is our only response - or it dominates and feeds worry or anxiety - it is of little creative use.
Fear is often well disguised in religious terms. Some people will talk about a view of God; their theological insights and their prayer life as in some way proper because it follows accepted approaches and draws on well-honed traditions. Others will argue that authentic responses are only ever achieved when we face our fears and abandon the areas that feel safe in our lives.
Over the years I have embraced both approaches and recognise that as with most things, reality, at least for me, is somewhere in between. If a practice is undertaken because we are frightened of the consequences if we don't do it, then maybe there is a need for further reflection to understand what is driving us to choose what we are doing and our reasons for refusing to explore or encounter alternatives. If something is done simply because we are feaful of the alternative and comfortable in our own well-structured world, then, again, I would guess it could be - and has been for me - very valuable to explore whether the sky really does fall in when I try something different! So far it hasn't - at least only occasionally - and the angels eventually pin it up again!!!
Where fear is useful is as a barometer for our inner well-being. The person who is rigid and can do no other than to assert the rightness of their approach and ignore or ridicule another as a consequence is a fear-driven person. I catch myself as that person when I start to imagine the darker consequences of not meeting the needs of my son. Or imagine that I have a monopoly on insightfulness.
A person who is caught, like a rabbit in the headlights, when aspects of their world are hostile or challenging is being seduced into thinking fear is reasonable and acceptable. I can be that person when I have to make a big decision for myself - or let myself off the hook. I find it much easier to be generous towards others than towards myself.
When fear stops a person taking other perspectives and value-systems seriously - and teases a person into denying the truth - fear is gaining the upper hand. I have been that person when I have met people who I feel are bullies or who I believe are denying the dignity of others. I have allowed my projection on to them become the whole truth about them.
Fear which makes a person pause, reflect and be-friend the hurt, pain or anxiety - is a healing and life-giving prompt to be welcomed and delighted in.
I have a card by my desk which I read as I start each new manuscript or major project.
"What would you attenpt to do if you knew you could not fail?"
I would live creatively with fear - embracing her and welcoming her promptings as if she were my best friend in the world.
As Helen Keller wrote:
"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing at all."
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